Doctor advised me to watch what I was drinking. So I started sitting in front of a mirror
| Published date | 31 December 2020 |
| Publication title | Daily Record, The / Sunday Mail (Glasgow, Scotland) |
March - stayed in. April - stayed in. May - stayed in. Yes, in the year the bins went out more than us, it was hard keeping track of time. A fiver says the most repeated question of 2020 was: "Alexa… whit day is it?"
And suddenly it's Hogmanay. Time flies when you've been drunk since March, eh?
I tried to adopt a very disciplined approach with the booze. Never touched a drop between 2am and 9.30am.
(I realised I was starting a bit early back in April when I asked our milkman if he sold tonic water…) In 2020, I honestly believe my purple bin had more glass content than the roof of the St Enoch's Centre.
when you've drunk
At one point, I was praying for the pubs to re-open before I became an alcoholic.
March
The pubs eventually DID open but they couldn't sell booze. Eh? That's like opening the public toilets and telling folk they cannae pop in for a pee.
Here's something else I found confusing. If you were in a restaurant that was forced to close at 6pm - and you got an After Eight with your bill - was it legal to eat it?
During the summer, I booked one of those two-hour slots at a beer garden but my daft pal fae Airdrie was a no-show. He texted to say he only drank cider. There's been a lot of ignorance surrounding coronavirus. For example, I'm convinced the Motherwell players thought they could catch it off a win bonus.
And tell me, pop pickers, did it really start in China - or was it Vietnam that gave us COVID N-n-nnineteen…?
(Ach, suit yourselves.)
Way back in March, I went into my local chemist and asked the woman behind the counter if she could suggest ANYTHING to get rid of the virus.
"Ammonia cleaner," she replied.
"Sorry," I said, "I thought you were the pharmacist…" A week later, I went up to a checkout assistant in Tesco and said: "Do you have any toilet rolls?"
She just shook her head. And I had to shuffle all the way back to the gents with my trousers and pants round my ankles… OK, that's just a wee gag but - true story - I heard about a bloke in a supermarket in Kilmarnock who, after being narrowly beaten to the last pack of Andrex by a fellow shopper, totally lost his temper and yelled: "Stick yer toilet paper up yer a**e."
Brilliant. It wasn't just loo rolls that flew off the shelves - the panic-buyers also swiped every last packet of pasta.
carbonara footprint. After the first few crazy weeks of lockdown, loads of folk were trying their hand at something different.
Some baked...
To continue reading
Request your trial